I gave away my first goodbye hug on Wednesday. I snuggled and cried, snuggled and cried with Maddy in bed since Thursday. And today when I got home from my brother's house, I realized I had just spent the afternoon with my family in Seattle for the last time before our big move to Denver. (more snuggling, crying, snuggling, crying)
Maddy is going to live out the rest of her days in sunny, warm Florida. It was one of the biggest, most difficult decisions of my life but I had to let her go to another family. She had started to nip at Lily. I am so quick to defend this behavior because it truly is not her fault. She was center of attention center of the bed for 8 years prior to my getting married and took a definite backseat once Lily arrived. In the last year and a half, there have been numerous times, mostly during chaotic, stressful moments- Lily throwing a tantrum on the floor, me throwing up in the bathroom with morning sickness, me trying desperately to calm a newborn at 3am, my looking just totally nuts most days because there's no time for anything better, that I've caught Maddy looking at me, giving me this look, an unforgetable look. It's the look of "are you kidding me??" To Maddy, I often thought she must think I'm totally out of my head to have given up all we had together for what my life had seemingly become and what had replaced her... she'd give me a look, I swear she would roll her eyes and then just walk away from me shaking her head. It actually made me laugh on several occassions. But, I have to say our last night together, through all the snuggling and all the tears, we had a long conversation. I truly believe she understood me and we shared a long moment, moments like we had shared together over those 8 years prior.
I may have been born in Florida. I may have spent countless hours in its warm ocean and lake waters. I certainly grew up and into my teenage years with kindred spirits as friends and spent some of my most fun years at the University of Florida. And those all comprise my dearest memories and some of my best stories. But Seattle is home. This is where my family bonded together in ways that will never be forgotten. This is where I fell so deeply in love and married my husband. This is where we bought our first house and where we created a home and life, our life. This is where our precious daughter was born. Here is where, in some ways, my life began.
As our house started to come unraveled and we packed yet another box, Jake asked me what I love most about our home. I've sat here, on my bed for several moments, looking out the glass french doors and into the moonlit patio that we shared summer dinners at together before we became parents. That is definitely something I love but there are so many other things. There are the memories of this home that I'll always cherish- bath time upstairs in Lily's bathroom, the moment I found out I was pregnant with our second, bounding out of the bathroom to tell Lily the news, Jake's reaction to the news after he read the 'Big Sister' shirt Lily wore that evening when he came home from work. The memories of quiet nights together, memories of sleepless newborn nights, a kitchen that boasts the best breakfast environment and the elegantly lit dining room that hosted so many of Jake's unforgetable toasts to us. I love the spot on the floor in the dining room that leads out to the wrap around porch where I saw Lily stand for the first time and I love the way she clumsily walked for more than a step for the first time from the kitchen and into the dining room. I love the way the sunlight would every now and then grace us during breakfast, streaming in from the dining room picture windows and into our morning eyes. I love that Emily and Zac were married here. I love that dad painted our daughters' rooms just as he painted mine as a child, so much more than paint was poured into those walls. I love that Lily and I had spent so much time all over the yard last summer together- splashing in the pool of water, in the hose and standing on top of the big rocks out front, our hands held high above our heads as we proudly proclaimed whatever it is that was on our minds. I love the porch swing, the evenings together with Jake and a glass of wine, the many many hours Lily and I spent on it together from when she was tiny and even yesterday. Olivia, Elliott and I would sit out there too and talk and talk. I love that one evening when Jake and I danced slowly in the dining room together shortly after we bought the house, I was very large and pregnant but somehow he made me feel graceful. I loved spending the holidays here, Christmas Eve party, Thanksgiving 2011, a 4th of July party with friends from Florida. I loved the way the house looked when we brought Lily home from the hospital. My mom and sisters had decorated the house with the happiest flowers I've ever seen in my life. Oh and it looks spectacular in Christmas lights.
Every corner of this home reminds me of just how lucky I am, and not because of the beautiful designer finishes of the house, the cool hand laquered walls and unique vintage accents, don't get me wrong, those have been lovely to look at these past years but because of the amazing memories we've created here together as a couple, as a family, as people who love each other.
As I teared up after the movers packed the last box today, Jake told me that the house stays here but the memories are ours forever. I know he's right.
While this departure has been far more emotional and difficult than I had anticipated, let me close with this. We're not leaving family, friends, our home. Rather maybe we're entering a new adventure together, embarking on new territory and opportunity. We're not quitting offices and playgroups, we're starting something new. It is heartbreaking to leave family but as Joy told me yesterday, it's only because we love eachother so much and that will never change. So let me attempt to do what mom has always tried to teach me. "Always live your life being thankful. If you do that, it will be a happy life." So to mom and all my amazing family members and wonderful friends, I'm so very very thankful. I'm thankful to you for being in my life, truly present, for loving me and my growing family, for laughter together, random moments shared, for playdates but also adult time, for dinners and lunches and random pop ins, there's so much more. I lived in Seattle for 5.5 years but I have a lifetime of memories and for all of that, I am thankful.
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