I am Momma Bear

I am Momma Bear.

I've always been really creeped out by spiders. I think my fear over those furry 8 legged animals began when I was a child. However, one would think I would be fearless. For as a child growing up in the Florida swamp, you had to be on constant guard for creatures that wanted to eat, bite, sting or stab you. From swimming with water moccasins to building forts in coral snake territory to canoeing over alligators and keeping an eye out for black widows or brown recluses near the water slides to the less fearsome creatures such as scorpions, back swimmers, horseflies, fire ants and no seeums. You'd think after that kind of exposure as a kid, spiders wouldn't bother me, but they are the only ones that always have.

My point is, yesterday I spotted Lily reaching for a spider on her exersaucer and I did not hesitate for a second... I leaped over the grocery bags on the floor and smacked that spider with my bare hand. I think I may have even let out a little growl.

It's been about a month since our last post. Since then, some of Lily's new tricks include sitting up completely on her own and not falling over. She also intentionally rolls over to her stomach, though after being there for a few minutes, she still gets a little frustrated. "Grrrrrr" she says. I call her my tiger. We are trying our damnedest to teach her baby sign but she just growls instead when she wants or doesn't want something and so far, she's learning that gets the job done just fine. In addition to her growls, she really enjoys making raspberry noises, her vocabulary astounding.

Lily has finally embraced peekaboo! We recently added that to her bedtime routine. It's quite adorable. I toss the light transulcent cloth up in the air and let it gently fall over her head. Her cheeks puff the material out as she smiles. She laughs from under it as she looks quickly from side to side, anxiously waiting for the unveiling. Finally off with the cloth and a high pitched, "there she is!!", always does the trick, she's in stitches.

I wish I had her imagination. She is able to spot literally anything and recognize it as an incredibly awesome toy. Or maybe she's not at the developmental stage yet where she has much of an imagination but rather it is her always playful, happy attitude. Yes, if only I could bottle that.

Last week suddenly Lily did not want to take her naps. She has always taken very precise 30 minute naps (3 per day), it has literally been like clock work, not a minute longer. But last week she fussed so much as I tried to do my usual bouncing up and down and all around with her in the Ergo. We had proudly condensed that ritual dance down to only about 5 minutes before she would fall fast asleep and I could lay her down for each nap. But, suddenly it did not work and she fussed and cried and even screamed one day, so much to the point that I was in tears too when Jake came home.

But a few days ago we rediscovered music (I even invented a baby sign for it, and we only use like 3 signs in this house, that's how crucial it is). Lily loooves music and Pandora has made our days even more enjoyable, particularly the Elizabeth Mitchell station. It's real great. So now before every nap time, I put Lily in the Ergo and instead of mindlessly bouncing up and down and all around, we dance (which actually doesn't look all that different) to folky blue grass baby loving songs. These occurrences have no doubt been some of the most special moments with my girl. We start out humming (she smiles and coos), then her eyes soften and look directly up at me. She focuses on my eyes and mine on hers, I absolutely LOVE the look she gives just before she dozes. The heavy blinking begins and finally she tilts her head to the side and closes those big eyes. Some days I put her down in her crib to finish her nap and some days I continue to dance softly with her until she wakes up.

  

I wonder if mom remembers it, but I recall when I was little seeing her dance to music in our living room. She danced all crazy (or 'free' as she probably would call it) with her arms flying above her and her feet and legs moving spontaneously below her. It's actually one of my most treasured kid memories. At any rate, sometimes when Lily and I are dancing, I think about mom's moves. Man, mom was awesome. (still is) But I'm convinced she's the most creative mom to ever exist, she could make a pile of cornstarch out of this world awesome. In fact she did. We may not have had the latest gadgets or coolest toys, but mom did things with paper and scissors you couldn't comprehend but would most definitely enjoy the heck out of. She got us hamsters and named them Funshine and Moondancer. I just always remember her being so energetic and creative and fun. I also remember thinking she was so beautiful. When I found out we were having a baby girl, I quickly reminisced the fabulous tea parties mom would set up for us and it made me very anxious to buy pink and lace.

I'm sure dad recalls...some of my most favorite childhood memories are from those nights when my big strong dad would pick me up in his arms before bed and carry me all about the house. The tradition went like this: I would close my eyes super tight (I never peeked once!), dad would walk around the house for quite some time with me cradled in his arms. He'd walk up the stairs and down the stairs, he'd also huff and puff and take hard steps as he would pretend to walk up and down stairs. He would spin around in circles until we were both dizzy. He'd trick me some more and say things like "wow your brothers room looks really messy" (as I'm sure he was not passing Tim's room downstairs but rather the upstairs TV room or something). Or he'd act like he was drinking some water in the kitchen when really I'm sure there was no glass at all and he was standing in the hallway as he gulped loudly. He would flick lights on or off, depending. Finally the game ended as he lay me down on something (the basement floor, the piano bench, the living room sofa, mom and dad's bed, etc) and I would have to keep my eyes closed and guess where I was.

In some ways I feel like I am so different than my parents but in many many ways I hope I can be even half the incredible people I remember from when I was a child.

 

Lily is already chock full of her own favorite things of the past. She used to love sitting in her exersaucer and she'd go absolutely bonkers if you laid her on her back and did circles with her legs as you sang "Wheels on the Bus." If she was fussing, all you'd have to do is something like "blllllrrrrrreeeeep!" in a high pitched sweet voice. It's a little sad how those things no longer excite her as they used to but it's fun too because she's growing so much and changing and I'm learning all the new things that really push her giggle buttons.

Her new favorite things include jumping on my lap. I hold her arms and she just jumps and jumps and jumps forever. A friend of mine asked me the other day what we do all day and I laughed as I recounted my day to him: Lily jumped on my lap for a long time, then we laid on our backs and kicked our feet and stared at our hands (something she also loves by the way, not sure why). I know it must have sounded so lame to him but he politely raised his eyebrows as if interested and smiled. He'll understand one day.

Lily loves playing with Maddy and Maddy loves licking bananas off her hands. They make a good team. Lily also loves her sippy cup, not sure why but she goes nuts for cold water. She has eaten bananas, sweet potatos, peas, carrots and apples. I think her favorite is sweet potato and her least favorite is apples (funniest face ever) She also loves to go upside down. We got a late snow a couple weeks ago and Lily loved being out in it. She starred out the window from the living room and "Grrrrr"'d, so I bundled us up and we laid down outside in the half inch of snow and watched the wind blow the flakes off the trees. I had never seen her so peaceful, it was actually quite moving.

Lily has always loved and still goes crazy for "The Noble Duke of York" song and 'dance'. Her first giggles happened in the air during that song and belly laughs are sure to ensue now during that same tune. She also has always loved being up in the air, "waaaay up high". She loves when I say "beep!" in a super high pitched voice and touch her nose. She really really loves looking in the mirror together. I say "Hello" and we pop in front of the mirror and "goodbye" and we pop away. And it just so happens that her favorite store in the mall is my favorite store! Aritzia has a section in their store that is all mirrors, different shapes and sizes and they surround you. Lily and I go in there and dance around and she laughs harder than she ever has before. I think I've made one purchase in there since Lily was born but we still swing by somewhat often and the girls in the store are so sweet and know us by name.

One of the best things though that inevitably makes her smile is when I do. It melts my heart.  Seven months have flown by, my Lily Pea but they've been the best days of mine and your daddy's life!

Happy Six Months to my Lily!

Today my little pea turns six months. It feels like quite the milestone. It also feels like enormous changes have occurred since my last posting less than a month ago. It’s simply incredible how fast Lily is growing and I’m just amazed by life, particularly hers and I continue to fall even deeper in love.  My breath is literally taken away from me sometimes during those quiet moments and I just think ‘wow’ and ‘God, thank you’.  Yes, those quiet moments or “Lily time” as I like to call them have been wonderful. I remember taking a trip with my best friend to Jamaica one year and everyone talked about being on “Island Time, Mon”. Now that trip is a bit fuzzy, but it did make me think of the term “Lily Time”. Yes, it certainly has different connotations. And time doesn’t stop, no certainly not, not with all this fast growing up Lily has been busy doing… and time doesn’t slow down either, rather I do.

When it’s time for sleep, it’s time to stop what you’re doing, quiet down, sing soft songs, cuddle and continue to do all of the above until Lily is good and ready to close those precious eyes. When it’s time to eat, it’s time to stop, quiet down and give Lily her milk. Yes, we have been late, yes, we have missed dates. We have let dishes sit in the sink, we have been unable to answer phone calls, and we didn’t walk the many miles with the stroller to burn the many calories I had envisioned post partum.  And while I think at first it was hard, downright frustrating at times, I very quickly learned to embrace every moment of it and I thank God for grace because these moments have been plentiful and wonderful.

It’s a long story for next time but due to some swallow anomaly, I have been pumping all my breastmilk and giving it to Lily in a bottle with a slow nipple. Basically (with respect to the founding of “Lily Time” anyway) this meant that it would take Lily over an hour to finish just one 4 ounce bottle. There has been a lot of quiet time. She’s gotten better and our quiet times are now closer to 20 minutes/feed. But during these many moments, I have learned more about patience, done more thinking, more appreciating, more loving, more praying than I think I have ever done in my lifetime. “Lily Time” has slowed me down and been so good for me. I’m amazed at how much even I have grown over these past six months.

Very recently I suddenly felt a new sense of independence coming from Lily. She no longer needs me to get Sophie the Giraffe’s foot into her mouth, she simply does it herself. She entertains herself for long stretches now by finally being able to grab those chubby feet. If she’s bored of being on her back, she’ll roll to her tummy. If she wants her whoozit, she grabs it.  At night, she no longer needs those hour long cuddle sessions to fall asleep (though I  think I may still and sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep).  She sits up by herself now, laughs at inanimate objects and chews on her fingers or watches her toes to keep amused.  It’s so funny, I was just telling mom she is the busiest person I know. She is always working on something, from getting her foot into her mouth, to pounding on and around the button that makes the music play, she is at constant work, not a moments rest. Just like her daddy.

It was an emotional week for me. We finally moved her out of our bedroom and into her own room which we poured sweat, time, dough and a whole lot of thought into before her birth.  I have laughed out loud at myself already but I prop up the baby monitor so that it is only a couple inches away from my face when we go to bed. It is in direct view when I open my eyes in the middle of the night to check on her. It is also turned up as loud as possible and it’s actually pretty amazing that we are able to sleep with the light shining so bright and the noise of “Spa Lily” coming through loud on the monitor speakers. I’m sure slowly but surely I’ll inch it away, turn the video feature off, turn the speakers down, etc… Jake is patient with my transition.

I don’t know how we managed to do it, but we nailed Lily’s room- it is SO Lily. I think she really loves it, her eyes truly light up when we walk into it and the butterflies dangling from her ceiling make her laugh and kick and squeal with such delight. We did move our bedroom from downstairs to the upstairs  (just about 10 feet away from her nursery) but I think the culmination of things- her new abilities to (somewhat) function without me, the new sleeping arrangements, she just got her first tooth in, we just set up her highchair and she began eating from a spoon. I also boxed all of her teeny tiny onesies up into several boxes. We packed up her infant tub and also the little bassinet. The Boppie is gone and small 4 ounce bottles, pacifiers and swaddling blankets have all taken their spot in the basement storage. I think moving the bassinet to the basement though was when the tears came for me.

Of course she is going to grow up, I’ve known this!  And of course I look forward to experiencing that. Of course I want to raise a confident, independent, capable child.  But the thing is…. I LOVE who she is right now and can't help but wonder if I'll miss 'her'. I love the new games we play in the mirror, the songs I sing that make her go bonkers, the way she gets so out of her mind excited when I simply say “UP!” and put her over my head. I love that she eats her toes. I love that as we lay on our backs next to each other each night before bed and read books, she sticks her nose into my cheek every few pages and thinks it’s so funny. I love the noises she makes right now, they were so great before but they are so great now and I want to hear them for the rest of my life. I love that she loves getting backscratches from me (it’s incredibly funny to watch her little body lean into the scratch) I love that when she’s in someone else’s arms, she finds me in the room and grins real big. I love that we just go everywhere together. I love how she plays with my fingers  when we’re just sitting on the couch and how she cups my chin with her tiny hand when she’s drinking her milk. I love that all I have to do is give her a smile and it’s guaranteed that I get one back. I love that when she sees/hears/experiences something new, she always looks to me first to make sure I give the approving smile and nod before she too approves.  Something tells me this won’t carry on into teen years.

It really does seem like just yesterday she was unable to hold her head up. Her lips were so teeny tiny and her eyes bright but timid. I knew she was growing fast though, like right before my eyes, especially in those early weeks. I recall  for whatever reason, when she was eating (which as all moms know is A LOT at first), I would just stare at the side of her face and notice her ear. I watched that ear grow so fast over the first few weeks.

And during those initial weeks of her life, it was difficult for me to dress her because I just kept envisioning that soft, supple, beautiful skin so recently submerged in a dark, warm cozy place. I always felt bad dressing her, like even the very soft, organic, washed-with-no-perfume-or-dyes-detergent onesie I would dress her in was rough on that soft skin of hers. I never told Jake, but there were several outfits I actually cut off of her body in those early days because I couldn’t bare the thought of pulling it over her head again.

I don’t know, ‘they’ tell me that I won’t be this neurotic on the next go round- but something tells me I will still miss my baby whenever it’s time for her to move to her own room, be a little sad to pack up those tiny onesies, look forlornly at the bassinet when it’s time for it to take another stand in the basement.  Yes, I hope to experience all the incredibly amazing, emotional overwhelming highs of being a parent to new life again. I also hope to live in “Lily Time” indefinitely, it’s a good place for me. A good friend of mine welcomed me to “the motherhood club” after Lily was born. I now realize what an honor it is to be here. Tonight I am going to sit next to my husband, hold his hand and lovingly watch my monitor.  Lily, you continue to amaze me. I loved who you were from day one, I love you more than words can express now and know it’s only going to get better. You make my world a better place. Happy six months, sweetie pea!!

Here's a silly little song I wrote for Lily about a month after she was born...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e997w_u9x9s

You are so pretty, my little Lily
Your hands are starting to grow
Your eyes now know me, smiles do show me that you're a happy little pea

These are the days, the heavens I praise
for giving you to me
The dishes can sit, fashion I quit,
it's time for my baby

You are so perfect, the late nights so worth it
You keep on teaching me
to smile for no reason, giggle at the rain season,
You are so good for me

Living in the New Year!

Life is so much better with Jake and Lily. I try to let it completely consume me. In a good way. I almost can’t remember what it was like without them. Yes, running errands can be more difficult now, it’s definitely a challenge when every step you take is dictated by a 4 month old. Everything just takes  longer and just getting in and out of the car can feel monumental. But as I stood and waited in the infamous ‘returns’ line at the mall after Christmas, I told myself to never forget this moment. Lily needed her diaper changed, the spitup from this morning was now crusted to my sweatshirt, I was still chilled to the bone from taking a cold shower, I finally admitted that my adorable new Frye boots were digging into my ankle to the point of causing great pain, I was sneezing non stop from what I would later find out was a little cold… but with every sneeze I belted, Lily would look up at me and giggle so hard! Best awful-long-return line-after-Christmas experience ever.

An old gentleman walked up to Lily and I, I’m guessing he was a healthy 80 something year old. His pants were hiked up higher than Lily’s (and if you know anything about Lily’s pants from pictures, you’d know that we much prefer her with her pants hiked up as high as possible- freaking hilarious). The man was well dressed (rather he wore expensive name brands), his fancy slacks were quite short, showing off his Nautica socks and very white sneakers. His hair was perfectly combed over in the front but standing straight up in the back and his button down shirt, crisp. (I concluded later that his wife dresses him daily) He was a close talker and once he approached our space, said “This your first and last?” as he pointed at Lily. I laughed and told him I wanted plenty more just like her but jokingly pointed to Jake and told him my husband may have a different plan. The man laughed almost too hard and shook his head. “He don’t know it yet but he ain’t got no control over anything. He’ll learn. Trust me.” He walked past Jake, paused behind him (unbeknownst to my darling husband), shook his head again and continued on to take his place next to his wife as she pretended to care about his opinion on the napkin ring holders she was contemplating purchasing. He obliged her and I wondered if what he said was true.

Oh how I have fallen madly in love with the holidays- I loved driving in our new neighborhood and seeing the warmth fill the insides of homes on the street and  I love the colored lights this year (must be the kid in me for Lily).  It’s fun that  cranberry is an accepted ingredient in almost every dish during the holidays and there are so many reasons for getting together with friends and family- the Christmas break gatherings, the Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas day dinner, day after Christmas leftovers, New Years Eve and New Years Day celebrations… an extra excuse for wrapping your arms around your husband, your family, your friends. An excuse for long distance texts and phone calls to old friends and oh, the many photo opts… My mom, sister and I have had many photo sessions over the years, I suppose it’s ‘an inside joke’ but the essence of these many pictures is extremely comical. I often think about how absolutely thrilled I am that Lily will grow up close to such fine and fun ladies.  

This year I loved Christmas Carols more than ever and decided to play them every day starting after Thanksgiving. I sang them to Lily and finally, at 29 years old, learned the words to many Christmas songs I had been incorrectly singing for years. Did you know there are words like “offspring” “Veiled in flesh” and “Godhead” in the song, “Hark the Harold Angels Sing”? It’s a good thing I enjoy those carols so much because it will still be a Silent Night come summertime, I’m sure of it. I have learned that is the ONLY song these days that will calm Lily down if she’s sad and only song that puts her to sleep if those heavy eyes are stubborn. This was all good and fine in December, but I have always had a hard enough time seeing Christmas lights still up on neighbors houses in January (which by the way, now that I have a kid, am completely forgiving of), let alone singing carols in my house when it’s July.  … needless to say, I am still in search of new lulling lullabies.

At the close of each year, I always try to read the famous speech by Anna Quindlen (http://iis.stat.wright.edu/munsup.seoh/usefulNotes/educationalNotes/annaQuindlen.htm)  And every time after reading, I include in my list of New Years resolutions, to remember to live as Anna so eloquently encourages, to truly live. If you’ve not read the above excerpt, I encourage you to and if you have read it, read it again. Somehow she is able to articulate the approach to life that I get so hyped up about at the start of every year.  …at my humblest, I can admit that every year, I quickly fall short of completing this resolution.  But I truly believe  this year, I may stand a fine chance- day four anyway and I’ve stuck with it. Lily makes everything different. Enhanced. Brighter, more endurable, exciting, special! Just last weekend we took Lily to the Picasso exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum. It was completely awesome. I truly think she was engaged as I talked her ear off about the famous paintings and sketches. I tried my very hardest to reveal only the facts, to not make anything up and not repeat things that I only *thought* were true. Here’s a quick story- I remember in 10^th grade, I told every single person I knew about the astonishing fact of Norah Jones being the daughter of Sammy Hagar. I knew so because my dad told me, only a couple years ago did I mention this fact in passing to someone, when they laughed out loud at me (and I confirmed via Wikipedia)- apparently she is the daughter of Ravi Shankar, not the haled “Red Rocker” from Van Halen- only a slight difference.  Anyway, I think Lily was more interested in the Baroque period than Picasso’s work as she completely lit up when we entered the room displaying “The Annunciation” by Giovanni Guidi. Since then, she is doing this new shrill thing and I’m pretty sure it was inspired by Guidi himself.  The museum was fun and I find myself wanting to bounce around everywhere and show her everything- making lists of must sees, talking of vacation spots she must visit, songs she must dance to when her legs permit and delicious foods she must try at least once. Since having Lily, I so desperately have been wanting to take her to Florida. Sure she is so tiny and certainly won’t remember the trip from this upcoming summer, but (and maybe partly for my sake), I want her to kick her little chubby feet in the warm waters of the Atlantic Ocean, as I once did, I want her to get (a little) salty sand in her mouth. I want all of us to stay in an old, cheesy beachfront hotel. …if there is one thing that I hope I can teach Lily, it is that life IS excellent, there is so much  goodness to experience, even if it is a week in an old, cheap, dirty beach hotel. I’ve never believed it more than I do now, after meeting Lily… it truly is “the gift of life.”

So to you Lily: Thank you, sweet baby for enriching my life, for teaching me to appreciate each day together. Thank you for making me laugh at least a few dozen times every day, literally. Forgive me if at times I lose my smile or act less than graceful.  As we enter into this New Year, I wait with great anticipation for all the first year milestones (first visit to the ocean, first tooth, first steps, first real food, completion of first trip around the sun, and so on), though I am also making a resolution to live each moment with you for what it is, the best thing ever! Above all the beautiful places to see, delicious foods to eat, beautiful music to hear, what I want most is for you to take the approach to life that Anna talks about. Life is about the journey, and my hope for you, little love is to approach this beautiful life with reckless abandon.    Thank you for the finest ending to 2010 and incredible start to 2011. Here’s to living life with you!    

Spa Lily

When Lily was only a couple weeks old, we ended up rushing her to Children's Hospital last minute on the advice of her pediatrician. She encouraged us to go to the ER. Lily was tachypnic (breathing too fast) and of course, in learning that, Jake now had two tachypnic girls on his hands. Lily slept the whole way to the hospital, I cried the whole way and Jake drove carefully, though he peered back at me in the rearview mirror every so often with super soft eyes. When we arrived, Lily woke up and was by far the fussiest I had ever seen her during those first 2 weeks of life. We were given a room and I tried desperately to calm her, I knew she was hungry but the doctor had told me not to feed her until she was able to examine her more closely. It took everything in me not to whip out the milk from underneath my shirt. Instead I went out to the hall with every intention to demand that we be seen immediatel, but the doctor gave me a stern look, repeated ‘do not feed her’ and ‘I will be there shortly’ (she was sipping her coffee and chatting in the hallway about something completely trivial, I'm sure of it). I returned to the room, feeling like Maddy when I scold her for peeing on the carpet. But I returned to the patient room and unsuccessfully tried consoling Lily. I felt helpless. (Of course now I have learned so much in the past several months about medical practice (a practice, not an exact science), the importance of following maternal instinct ...and basically the wisdom to say 'to heck with your suggestions and diagnosis!’) If it were today, I would SO have bared my breast right then and there and fed my poor babe.

Anyway, the doctor finally entered the room and now BOTH Lily and I were crying as I tried to calm her down. The doctor took my sweet babe into her arms and bounced around aggressively. In a few short minutes Lily stopped crying and fell into one of her 2-week-old peaceful sleeps. I never admitted it to Jake but I was FUMING inside. I felt as if my motherhood had been ripped right out from under me. Who was this infernal woman and who was she conjuring up to settle MY babe? You better believe that when we returned home, I took her violent bouncing and and AND….adopted it.

The point of that story is to say that I have gotten excellent at soothing Lily. Sorry to sound braggy... I must still feel a need to prove myself or something after that heinous doctor momentarily stole my motherhood. Anyway, I am so freaking good at soothing that I put myself to sleep at times. Let me explain: part of our bedroom is sectioned off to “Spa Lily”, as I like to call it. We’ve got a regular ole fan going (it reduces SIDS, don’t you know), a humidifier (for keeping Lily’s air moist to avoid drying out her sweet little airway), a heater to keep her warm (our darn electricity bill was almost $400 last month so no heat for J, myself and the rest of the 2,500 squarefeet, only the princess), a white noise machine, a digital monitor and a little nightlight. (you know, all those first-time-parent gadget must-haves… I’m rolling my eyes at my own self) Whatever did our parents do without these?? Now, once all of those electronics have taken their position and are turned on, I come in with a nice, soft, perfect ‘shhhhhh, shhhhh, shhhhhh’. And depending on the particular bounce I am feeling at that moment, will determine how fast, long and loud my ‘shhhh’ is. But once I utter the first ‘shhhhh’, her eyes grow very very heavy. At night, after a FEEDING, it only takes a few more and she’s out!

We’re pretty lucky. Lily sleeps 12 hours at night. She goes to sleep at 6pm, and I’m able to do what I love second most in the world, cook dinner for Jake. We eat, are able to finally talk and then hang out a bit before bed. It’s awesome. Sometimes Lily might begin to stir in the middle of the night. But that’s when I come in with the ‘shhh’s’. Sometimes, if she’s really persistent in waking up, Jake (though sleeping), will intuitively know that it’s time for him to chime in. I swear we have like the perfect harmonic pitch of ‘shhhhh’ together. It puts all three of us right back to sleep. Not even kidding.

It’s amazing how well the three of us have worked together in those late night/early morning hours. I mean Jake and I can do everything we need to do to get Lily changed, fed, my bajangities pumped and her burped and back to sleep without saying a word but at the same time,  providing every single tool needed to each other for each task at hand. 

I remember our first real family teamwork effort. It was a few days after Lily’s birth. I was incredibly engorged, complete with clogged ducts and all. Jake got in there with the hands, Lily did her part with the suckling and we got the job done. I felt proud of my little family.

I joined a moms group when Lily was 7 weeks old, and I’m really happy I joined. Every week we do ‘round robin’ and all have to answer the same question. Last week’s question was “What is the one thing about motherhood that surprised you?” I suppose there are a lot to choose from but I chose what instantly came to my head…. Just this massive love for Lily. I honestly never ever knew THIS was even existent. Like I said before, when Lily looked up at me for the first time and peered so deep into my eyes, I fell so in love. When two months rolled around and she began smiling up at her momma, another wave hit me… immense love. Very recently I received yet another. I love everything about her and I love everything she has made me feel, experience and created within my very character.

I guess if I think about it, there’s another aspect of parenting that I wasn’t expecting. I read a zillion books, online articles and blogs on parenting before Lily arrived. And during labor, I quickly realized that the silly birth plan I had crafted and then redrafted over and over and over again until it was the perfect birth experience, was a joke! I also was completely convinced that my baby would only sleep in our room for the first week or so. Ha! Her nursery that we poured so much sweat and love (and dough!) into is so lovely but so far away from us. I guess I also never knew I would be this… attached to her. But I don’t think it’s unhealthy… yet  (at least that’s what a very opinionated mom told me) J

An introduction

I've been putting this blog thing off for months now. Before my little pea arrived, I had grand hopes for starting my blog immediately. I wanted to be sure to capture every single new moment with her... Then two things happened: One, I realized what I was experiencing could never be forgotten. And two, my hands were full of diapers, baby, spit up and a very dear, very fragile life.

Then I thought after 4 weeks, this would be a really great starting point...let me recap the first month of life with Lily. However, the items in my hands seemed to double.  At the two month mark, I promised myself I would start writing after month 3, but that came and went as well and tonight I find myself 5 days before her 4 month birthday, now with a glass of wine in hand and so much to say.

I did, however, throughout the first week of Lily’s life jot down little notes to jog my memory later when it finally came time to pen my experiences and this evening I laughed and cried as I recapped. My list read:

Lily's intense stare was the only thing in the room
Cold pizza 4am
PKU - Jake sputters satan
Excitement over first poo explosions
Angel nurse prays over us

"Feeding" so animalistic
Evil pediatrician at Childrens’ steals my thunder
Falling in love with Jake over the dress

My nip making an appearance on FB

Chocolate cravings continue

Intro to Anne Lamott's well behaved puppy dog

 

Ahh yes, Lily's stare which we still talk fondly about on a very regular basis, and I assume we will for a very long time, at least I hope so. Immediately following her exit (or entry rather), she was placed on my chest. I have never been so alert, so awake... no, I do not seem to have the word within my vocabulary to describe my emotion immediately following her birth. But, I can tell you every single detail of that moment if you were to ask me (and I love to remember it, so please do ask me). I recall Jake's face rested on my left shoulder as we both stared at her. I could feel his breath and sense of amazement, though he did not speak a word; both of our eyes, our everything, fixated on Lily. And she... well she gazed heavenly right back at us and I mean directly at us, deep inside us. I knew then, we were madly in love. After several moments passed, Jake and I grew concerned that she still hadn’t cried. She didn't make a peep. She simply continued to stare up at us. Soon we lost any worry and followed her lead for another little while. It was lovely.

The next day mom, my sisters and niece and nephew paid us a visit and bestowed on us the very next best thing to Lily, pizza. But not just any pizza, Zeeks' Cherry Bomb Pizza, which I had been craving since labor had started three days prior. Now that was a special day. I'll never forget how bashful but at the same time anxious my sweet Olivia and Elliott were to meet their new cousin, absolutely darling. They came bearing homemade cards, other goodies and the best smiles. Between family visiting, nurses in and out of our room and Jake and I jabbing away about the birth and new incredible little being we just brought into the world, the company and conversation was nonstop. But I liked it.

It did, however, get very quiet and empty around 4am that next morning. I snuck out of my hospital bed and tip toed (though there was no need- Jake was gone to the world for the next several hours (he had worked very hard during labor- I’m not being sarcastic) and our baby was fast asleep in between feedings. To the tiny hospital fridge I went. I opened up the left over Cherry Bomb pizza box and scarfed down two slices. It was so surreal to sit there in our hospital room, the lights were dimmed, and I could smell the sweet scent of my baby so intensely despite the Cherry Bomb that had begun to permeate the room)... I thought about the last time I had had cold pizza right out of the fridge in the early early morn and realized it was back in the day, back when the days only revolved around me and being me and going out and coming home far too late... I had a moment of realization and thought ‘WOW.’ Suddenly things had drastically changed and as I gazed at my loving birth coach/husband and then at our little love child, I realized cold pizza never tasted so good.

Emily Christiansen. This is a name that we will never forget. She was our nurse at the beginning, before real labor started, and she was present at the end when I needed her most. During early labor I found myself to be very chatty. Emily indulged me and we eventually covered most basic grounds and in passing had mentioned something about our faith. Nearly 30 hours later, as labor dragged on, the mentioning of a c-section was beginning to be whispered in the halls and Lily's heart rate began dropping. I will never forget Emily's prayer over me and my baby inside of me. Long story short, Lily's heart rate quickly picked up to a healthy rate, I began progressing and soon there after, she arrived- completely naturally and completely healthy.

The day finally came when it was time to depart and discharge the room to allow for the next miracle to happen. I think Jake and I were both secretly terrified to leave the hospital. I mean there were seriously two times that we were in the hospital during our short stay that we wondered why Lily was flailing her arms around... was she just trying to say hello? Ends up this activity startled two different nurses on two different occasions and they ran over, snatched her up, and beat her back (apparently she was choking) Oh boy, I thought... and now they were going to release us? Is this even legal?

However, as soon as we got home, it felt so right. This amazing flood of instinct overcame me and we just figured out what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it was weeks before Lily felt like we knew what we were doing but she had all the essentials- food, clean diapers and lots of love. I remember those early days… at the end of it, I would be so out of my mind exhausted and have been so incredibly busy all day long but when Jake would ask me what we did that day, I couldn’t give him a straight answer. Lily was, however, well fed, which was all that mattered.

On our homecoming from the hospital, family blessed our home with adorable GIRL baby decor- streamers greeted us at the door and in the living room, as did happy gerber daisies and robust gladiolas in every corner of the house. We ate like kings for weeks, thanks to mom and my sisters. We slept like doves by day and like owls by night (I truly did not know it was possible to be awake like that round the clock, but trust me, it is. In fact you can actually survive this for 3 days straight, not a single wink) And I read recently that giraffes sleep with their eyes open and I often feel like that's how I sleep now. Half because I want to keep a watchful eye on my babe and half because I just like looking at her.

It was soon time to take Lily to get her first round of shots. That ended up to be one of the worst experiences of our lives. I genuinely thought Jake was going to take out the nurse who gave Lily her PKU. Yeah, I think the nurse could have had a couple lessons in how to interact with brand new parents but Jake took that to another level. He was furious! (but only in that loving, fatherly, taking care of your brand new baby kind of way- oh and I totally had his back). Now, looking back, I can kind of laugh at our reaction, though tiny Lily's pain tears still make me sad. If you knew Jake, you'd know he is quite the jokester and if there's any room at all for a joke to be cracked, he'll attempt to split it into a million pieces for sure. But there was no joking for him and I know he still can not look back on that day in jest. He was convinced satan himself came up from the fiery depths of hell and delivered Lily's PKU, right there in patient room #4 of the Pediatric Associates in Redmond. ....needless to say, we no longer entertain their staff with our new parenting antics.

So breastfeeding seemed to be a total breeze for Lil and I. Sadly I know so many women have difficulty with that following birth but it just clicked for us (since then, we've faced many challenges with feeding but that's for another entry). I have been more amazed by the incredible abilities of the human body than ever before, it's something so huge and amazing and just inexplicable that I have since given up on trying to truly understand it. But it's also so pure and simple. Mother carries baby for 9 months, mother provides all nutrition for baby, mother has instant maternal instinct in how to care for baby, despite any fear of inability leading right up to delivery... I've never been more confident and proud of anything I've ever done or attempted or  imagined in my life. Being a mom and being responsible for Lily is breathtaking. Nothing you read in any book, by any author and certainly nothing I can articulate can even begin to explain what being a mother is. You have to experience it for yourself. Anyway, first proud mom moment: I'll never forget her first poop. Talk about fulfillment. And not just the first poop but the second and third and so on, it just got better and better and better. I was making this happen by my very breast milk and all her organs that we (*helped*) create were working. Awesome.

Speaking of breast FEEDING- I mean the moment you find out you're pregnant, you hear those words over and over and over and over again. From it being a bonding experience, and enjoyable and natural to it being crucial and what you owe your baby and you better or else. It's almost a full time job to block out a lot of that (judgmental) 'advice'. Don't get me wrong, I think breastfeeding IS enjoyable and wonderfully natural and all those truly good things but I also think people sadly can turn it into something that makes many women feel very bad about themselves if they are not able to perform. At any rate, I remember being instructed to breast FEED every couple hours right after Lily was born. While I enjoyed it for the most part, the term itself began to break apart in my head and I only began hearing and seeing and feeling the word FEEEEDING. It sounded so animalistic. I remember during those first days, there were times when I'd see her start to lick those darling little lips and I cringed as my nipples tried to invert themselves... but there was no hiding... in fact for several weeks I didn't even try to cover them. Nope, they were just out there, standing attention, ready to perform. Sometimes I laugh out loud when I think about what my (newly wedded, mind you) husband must have thought. There I was, not even having reached our one year anniversary and declaring no top in the house (and while this may have been welcomed under any other circumstance, my reasoning -to air-dry, avoid nipple chaffing and easy access to a crying newborn, were not as sexy)

But oh Jake.... he was and is such a trooper. There are some genuinely amazing qualities he carries and I know only he does. I remember being so fearful that we hadn't been married long enough yet for him to have to witness everything that was going to be 'unveiled' and 'excreted', below that beautiful bump I carried for 9 months... I remember frightfully telling the nurses, you MUST keep me clean, I can't let him see me in x,y,z state. I had to have this conversation 4 times as there were shift changes during the entire labor. I told Jake his duty during the birth was to stand as a proud pappa up by my shoulders and not to peek down there. But when I hit the wall and contractions became unbearable and I was making ghastly faces, he was right there, staring right into my eyes, holding my hand. When I caved at 20 hours of labor and needed an epidural, he was right there to tell me how proud he was of me. When it was time to push (the part I was terrified of, both for myself and him), he held my legs back and courageously told me the head was coming. He helped change me and clean me up. He was more gruesomely involved than any nurse and he did it all with a smile, a kiss and genuine love.

Several days after we came home from the hospital, Jake did what he could do to help. Since breastfeeding was out of the picture for him, he did laundry, dishes, cleaned things that neither Lily nor I could give a care if it were clean... I remember him coming to me, incredibly concerned over how to properly hang my overly tattered, overly stretched out, never to be worn or even glanced at again maternity dress on the hanger after he took it out of the wash. "'do the straps of the dress go on the little hooks or big hooks of the hanger?" I realized (again) I was such a lucky woman to have married him.

We couldn't seem to get enough pictures of Lily taken. I still have a problem with this. I mean the babe is completely adorable on a consistent basis -no matter which way she turns or drools, it's art. At any rate, I received a call from a good friend a few days after Lily was born. Of course I was unable to get to the phone, it was time for another one of those FEEDINGS, so I let it go to voicemail. I had no time to check it and waited a good 20 hours before doing so... when I did, I came to learn that it was a message to me, telling me that omigosh, yes, my nipple was in fact posted on Facebook. Apparently it had snuck in there. Somehow Jake didn't notice his wife's nipple when he decided to post it on the WORLD WIDE web?? In his defense, the subject of the photo was adorable little Lily and my nipple, though it was very front and center, resembled nothing he had married into (again, something I was not aware of before BreastFEEDING- major swelling and contortion in those early days) At any rate, I still have no idea who saw the ole' nip, but if you have, don't tell me.

I am quite disappointed that the chocolate cravings are still here. I have NEVER been one to have a sweet tooth. I love great food, I love the social aspects of it, the scientific aspects of cooking and heck, I love the taste of good food. But, I have always been a savory foodie, not a sweet one! When I was pregnant I surprisingly craved chocolates and really anything with sugar in it. And I indulged because I was pregnant and I lived close to a bakery. Well all that's happened now is two things: One, I now dont' have any excuses to feast on cherry turnovers, fruit tarts, chocolate truffles and princess torte in the afternoon and two, I have to now drive 2 more miles to that bakery as we moved.

Speaking of all those sweet calories, I still laugh out loud when I think of what my favorite author had said in her diary regarding her stomach post delivery. Something to the effect of her 'well behaved puppy dog' lying there next to her on her bed as she lay on her side. ...(sigh) so true, it's a very strange thing. I have returned to pre-pregnancy weight and I feel and look almost the same, aside from this slowly fading layer of ?? that still flaps down beside me when I lay on my side. Someone in my mom's group mentioned "This is the body that gave me my baby and for that, I can be content." She is a smart woman.